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How to tell a Grumpy Bear that the car battery is dead.


I have never been great at giving bad news to a grumpy bear.  The best approach is usually with diversional conversation, which allows me to find a way to sneak the topic in.  Bears are typically not fond of bad news, and if it involves family, politics, or the status of their vehicle, it can get ugly rather fast.  Start slowly by asking about some recent GOOD news… this is a great ice-breaker.


Me: So, you had a nice time shopping with the cubs yesterday, I heard.

Bear: Grrmph.

Me: Oh, me too… they grow out of clothes so fast!  Its a wonder that we can keep our little ones in clothes for more than a week before they shoot out of them, am I right?

Bear: Wwwraaarrrmmph.

Me: So, I was going to take the Toyota to the grocery store and it uh… well, it won’t start again.  I think we need to buy a new battery.

Bear: Bllaaaarrrrggg!!!


It’s best to find a door to jump behind at this moment, because bears know all too well that a new battery for a 2007 Prius is rather expensive and a royal pain in the fucking ass to replace.  I mean, they stick that bastard in the trunk, underneath a relay bar and behind some other electronic garbage.  I started to watch a youtube video on how to replace the thing, and the cost of tools was listed at $80 “if you know where to shop.” Never a good sign.

So what to do?



  • 2 oz Vodka
  • 5 oz Ginger Beer (the spicier, the better)
  • juice from one lime
  • add ice and drink!


Make a few of these, and wait for the bus.

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